Walking out the door - my waters break -
What timing!
Gush of excitement - I can hardly wait...
I've never done this before!
The hospital is very busy.
I'm rather inconvenient, I discover.
The timing might be good for me, but it seems
It's good for too many others!
Up the stairs and down the stairs...
'Sorry - There's no room free!'
Up the stairs and down the stairs...
Mind you - I'm doing what's best for me!
Into the delivery room - look at the bed!
I'd just like a chat, but I'm shown how it works instead.
The midwife seems distant and soon she really is,
As we're left on our own in a bit of a tizz.
The hospital is busy
The midwife's not 'with me'
My husband doesn't know what to do
I'm feeling panicky!
Contractions come, contractions go,
I hear feet in the hall
At last the midwife's here again -
But she's standing by the wall!
As soon as I can get off the monitor
I'm crawling on the floor
For the earthy-birthy business
I was designed for!
Burrowing into myself
Things really moving on
Pain is here, but that's alright
Inside I'm feeling strong
'You're doing really well'
Into my heart they creep
Four words of encouragement
(words I'll choose to keep)
But later... 'your contractions are not strong enough...'
Good God! They feel strong enough to me!
(I wish you'd just said that things were always hard,
with a babe placed posteriorly!)
Does that mean my uterus isn't up to this?
That I can't do it after all?
Some syntocinon might be needed -
(It's bound to hurt more)
A flash of doubt starts cutting,
cutting through my mind
An Epidural! - I'll go for that -
A needle in my spine!
The "mobile" epidural
I'm 8cm.
When it's done
I'm unmoving still.
Yes - The pain is gone, but I've lost more than I thought.
This 'heaven' is suddenly still and silent.
Baby - Where are you?
Still there? I can hear your 'beep beep beep'
Something has ended... but it had only just begun!
Lying on the bed - near flat on my back
There I was, in no position to change anything
And progress - at a halt.
Not surprisingly - still.
It was circumstances -
Though I think I asked for very little
On my maiden voyage into motherhood.
I wanted you my midwife.
A mother/sister figure, whose sure and strong and keen
Who'll help, suggest and if I'm weak
Who'll lovingly be mean!
You stand near the wall, like a shadow,
Your face has changed into one of many.
Like ships people come and go.
Hours slip by and all is slow
Motion without emotion.
At least the pain was happening.
At last... a sweet face drawing closer
Good news! Baby's coming down
(and turning around!)
my clever baby! (How did you do it?!)
Then... DOOM! Fills the room!
How can it come so close to such lightness?
Another doctor is here now,
And he thinks it's been too long
14 hours and syntocin,
to hurry thing along
The operating theatre's free soon
And he thinks he'll give me a hand
My disappointed face
He doesn't understand.
He doesn't think to ask me
What I would rather do
And though baby is fine and me
Tired, but ever pulling through.
He thinks he's doing me a favour
and is totally unaware
as he voices his concerns
that he's growing fear in here
and growing doubt
and growing doom
and growing expectation
that the only answer in the room will be..
YES!
To a major operation!
'You have been on syntocinon for quite a while
and I'm a bit worried about the possibility
of your uterus rupturing.'
Oh God! Am I about to burst?
Is that what he is saying?
Like a juicy grape, I'll split
His steady words are slaying
Any hopes of carrying on
I just can't wait and see
If the drugs they've put me on
Will prove too stimulating for me!
Just add a bit of self-doubt
A touch or two of fear
You white god of my universe
I wish you were not here
!
You must know what you're doing
You must know more than me
Or is it fear that haunts you too
And makes you feel less free?
Just in case... of complication
Just in case... of litigation
Just in case... It's too hard for me.
But you might have asked?
'It's very unlikely they'll let you try
for a normal delivery next time!
Oh... I see
My destiny, is sealed already
- well fine
I obviously do have something wrong with me.
I think my boat is sinking!
I see, from a distance now,
Things that then there was no way to know.
In black and white (without the fright)
I was simply just too slow!!
3/4 hour later;
Ah... The show begins.
The theatre curtain is green
My husbands in a funny hat
Everything is scrubbed and clean!
A lot of people, looking on
A spectacle to see
I wonder what they are showing now
Or rather... which part of me!
'Look at those fibroids
they're the whitish parts'
(I'd almost like to see them too!)
No, seriously...
It's really awful here, you know
I've really lost it all
What a spectacle to see
Looking at the wall.
But when they lifted you up high
My little babe, it was worth it.
My little star!
What is the message of this tale?
(I know it went on and on!)
Now I find, with a caesarean smile
that time was the short end of long!
We are all subject to circumstance
to overwork, we self protect.
Ignorant at times of each others feelings..
Human beings!
But do hear this...
Little things can mean a lot.
Tiny words at times like these...
Forgiven, yes, but not forgot.
Jenny ©
See also Jenny's very much shorter VBAC poem